


Kowalski's Litter

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Challenge Response, Humor, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-07-13
Updated: 2000-07-13
Packaged: 2018-11-10 16:35:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11130570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Short stories of Fraser and Kowalski babysitting.





	Kowalski's Litter

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Disclaimer. The characters belong to alliance.

Rated. . . .G for Good Grief!!!!

Pairing. Fraser/Kowalski

Authors' note. The destruction of a keyboard can be really traumatic

JUST A TEASE, AND NO, I'M NOT YELLING.

These are several short stories written just for a few laughs.

Maria 

**The Runt of the Litter**

'Fraser get in here and look at this!'

"What's wrong Ray?'

"Do you see anything wrong with this keyboard?"

"Well. . . .No, i don't really see anything wrong with the keyboard, why?"

"Because. . . .WAIT, LOOK AT IT NOW? DO YOU SEE IT?"

"Why are you yelling Ray?"

"I'm not yelling Fraser, and it's the damn keyboard. The keys' are getting stuck!"

"They are? Why Ray?"

"Well gee, I dunno Frase. . . .maybe cause I was drinking a coke last night and someone decided to be amorous and huggeD ME, WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS! i CAN'T EVEN TYPE A DECENT SENTENCE!"

"So YOU'RE BLAMING ME FOR THE KEY'S getting stuck Ray?"

"Well whose idea was it in the first place to have sex on my keyboard?"

"Last night you weren't complaining, Ray. Besides, whose idea was it to drink a soda over their keyboard?"

"So now it's my fault? I was being really careful 'til you came and grabbed me and RAVAGED ME! DAMMIT! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO TYPE WITH THIS going on?"

"Ray, may I suggest that you go and purchase a new keyboard? It seems this one is refusing to cooperate with you."

Ray glared at his partner. "Okay fine! I will go and buy a new one but yer gonna hafta PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL NOT SIT ME ON MY KEYBOARD AND HAVE YER WAY WITH ME!"

Fraser stared into those baby blues and smiled. "As you wish Ray. . . .but may I suggest that you do not place any liquids near your keyboard again? Didn't someone spill a cup of coffee into your tower thus ruining your 'c' drive not toO LONG AGO?"

"Okay, but that was an accident! I already told my brother I would never, ever babysit his little runts again for as long as I live!"

"But you just promised to sit for them tonight, Ray."

"Fraser? Whose side are you on anyway?"

"I'm ON YOUR SIDE of course Ray. I was merely stating a fact."

"Okay fine . . . yer forgiven, now let's go and get us a new keyboard before I HAVE, SHIT HERE IT GOES AGAIN!"

"What do you plan to do with that keyboard Ray?"

"I'm gonna give it to the runts TONIGHT and let them tear it APART."

"Maybe they can fix it for you Ray?"

"HardY HAR HAR, FRASER! WILL YOU COME ALONG NOW!'

"YES RAY, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL!"

"DAMMIT I'M NOT YELLING!"

******END**

The CONTINUING SAGA OF KIDS AND COMPUTERS that DON'T MIX! 

Disclaimer. The characters belong to alliance.

Rated. . . .G

Pairing. Fraser/Kowalski

Authors' note. I am really happy to have a new keyboard.

maria

******The runt of the litter. . . Part 1**

"Ray? Ray, are you okay? You look rather depressed?"

Ray sighed and pushed his checkbook away. "I was balancing my check book Fraser. That's enough ta depress anyone."

"What's wrong with your checkbook?"

"Well, if you'll notice this last number here, it means that I'm broke."

"Why would you be broke?"

"Come sit here and let me show you. Now look at this first entry. Remember that I had ta pay for that new "c" drive after that little runt that belongs to my brother's raunchy litter spilled that coffee in it? Well look how much that cost me."

"Ray! Really Ray, he's just a baby and they are not runts."

"Yeah he is Frase that little dwarf screwed up a sophisticated piece of machine with a cup of coffee and I had ta pay fer it!"

"The baby is only ten months old and he had no idea the coffee would mess up your computer."

"The kid's a midget and he did it on purpose ta make my life miserable! Now, let's get moving on down the list. Over here is the charge for having the disc removed after it got stuck."

"And, that was the little runt's fault also I presume?"

"Of course it is, do you think that I would deliberately sabotage my own computer?"

"Yes, I see Ray. So the ten-month-old deliberately stuck a cd into your computer to prevent you from using it?"

"Fraser will you just listen! Now let's keep on moving further on down. I had to buy two new tires and you know those don't come cheap."

"And this was because of the little runt, again?"

Ray glared at his Canadian lover and bit his bottom lip. "Yes of course it was the runt's fault! I mean who drives him around all day? It was his fault that I almost hit a cat and I swerved into the curb to avoid killing it but I hit the worlds largest pot hole instead and got a flat tire! Then in the process of taking the tire off, a car comes by and flattens my hub cab after I set it aside! And who has ta pay for all this? Me of course! If the little runt hadn't tried to escape outta his car seat this would've never happened in the first place!"

"Ray, moving further down to this entry here, What about these two tickets you received?"

"That was not my fault either, Fraser! I already explained ta ya how I got my wallet stolen along with my driver's license and as luck would have it I got a ticket!"

"As I recall, the policemen pulled you over because you were speeding. You were doing forty-seven on a thirty-mile zone. Could I venture a guess and say that the little runt had something to do with this one too?"

"Well, yeah he did! He was crying his head off and I was speeding home ta figure out what was bothering him. . . .Okay fine! You know what Fraser! Yer doing a great job in cheering me up! Yer just a barrel of laughs today aren't ya!"

Fraser patted Ray's hand. "I'm sorry Ray. Here, I bought you something that should cheer you right up."

Ray took the box being offered him but scowled at his Canadian lover. He tore open the package and smiled. "Fraser! You bought me a new keyboard?! That was so kind of you! Thank you so much Frase!" Ray reached over and hugged his lover. 

"I also purchased a protecting cover just in case you or someone *else* should decide to have any form of liquids over the keyboard."

"Oh Frase, that was so kind of you! Thank you so very much! You know how much my computer means ta me!"

"Yes I do Ray. Now, do you think you can tear yourself away from your check book long enough so that we can have dinner?"

"We can't do that right now Frase."

"Why not Ray?"

"Well because. . . .because, I kinda promised my brother to watch his litter again tonight."

"Oh Dear, so that means no sex again?"

"I'm afraid so. But we can do it tomorrow Frase."

"I see . . . Ray? Will they be bringing the little runt also?"

"Yeah, but I'm all prepared today."

"Really? Would you care to tell me how you prepared for tonight?"

"I got smart Frase. I hired the neighbors teen age runt ta come over and wear our runt out! I told him I'd pay him handsomely if he can wear the baby out."

"Ray! Hiring the neighbors teenage boy to baby-sit does not sound like a good idea at all. Weren't you just complaining that you were broke?"

"Yeah I'm broke Frase, but yer not."

"Oh. . . .I see."

**End**

Disclaimer. The characters belong to alliance.

Rated. . . .G

Pairing. Fraser/Kowalski

Authors' note. Just letting off some steam, no dogs or cats were hurt during the writing of this story. This are just teases.

maria

******The runt of the litter part 2.**

"Ray, you look so tired. Didn't you sleep well?"

Ray slumped further into the couch and yawned tiredly as he gazed up at his Canadian lover. "No, I couldn't sleep last night 'cause our little runt was awake at four in the morning. Didn't you hear him crying Fraser?"

"Well, no, I really didn't hear anything. Why was he crying?"

"Because he was hungry. I got up ta fix him a bottle and he refused it. So then I decided ta feed him. Fraser, have you ever tried ta spoon feed a baby? . . .No? . . . . Well sit down and lemme tell you how that went."

Fraser sat beside his tired lover.

"Okay, being that the baby is too small ta sit on a regular chair, I rigged one up for him. I placed several telephone books then I tied a scarf around his waist ta keep him from falling off the chair. Remind ta tell my brother ta bring his chair the next time, Frase."

"The next time, Ray?"

"Well lemme tell ya what happened Frase, this is how it went. You take a coconut and carve a hole the size of a half dollar into it and then you tie a scarf around the coconut and pin the other end to yer ceiling so the coconut will dangle down about chest level. Then you take this coconut and give it a good whirl till it's flying all around the room in the air. Next, you take the baby's food and ya try ta spoon feed the flying coconut by chasing it around the room. Can you imagine what it's like to try ta put even one spoonful inta that coconut?!"

"Oh Dear . . . that would be quite a challenge, Ray."

"Wait, but there's more to this Fraser. Let's talk about our VCR."

"What's wrong with our VCR, Ray?"

"Well, while I was trying ta feed the coconut, the other little runt woke up and guess what he was doing."

"I don't know Ray, what was he doing?"

"Seems the other snooker sneaked right behind me when the little runt spit his dinner into my eyes and temporary blinded me. That little snooker grabbed the peanut butter and hightailed it out of the kitchen before I saw him. I stepped inta the living room ta put the runt down and I catch the other snooker feeding peanut butter inta the VCR, Fraser! He was stuffing our VCR with our chunky peanut butter! By the time I took the spoon away the VCR was chocking on peanut butter!"

"Oh Dear!"

"Oh no, it doesn't stop there Frase. . . .While I was fighting ta remove the spoon from the snooker's vise grip hold, . . . by the way, do you know what it's like ta take something away from a child's hands, Frase? It's like fighting with an octopus, Fraser 'cause every time you reach for one hand three more appear grabbing other items around you! Anyway, I finally took the spoon away and then realized that the other little runt had disappeared! I dashed outta the room ta see where he was and do you know what he was doing? He was splashing around in the toilet! Seems someone forgot to shut the lid."

"Oh my goodness Ray, you did have a rough night. I am so sorry, why didn't you wake me up?"

"I tried ta wake you up and I even called ya several times but you didn't come! Did I tell ya what happened yesterday Fraser? Because if I didn't then I'm gonna tell ya now! I was driving the whole litter, all four of them to their mom's house and they started fighting in the back seat. Lemme tell you how kids fight Frase, cause they don't fight fair or civilized." 

"I don't think they know how to fight fair, Ray."

"Well someone ought ta teach them how ta fight fair! Well lemme tell you what it's like having kids fighting in the back seat of yer car Frase. Let's use a cat as an example and pretend it's the little runt with the octopus hands. You take this cat and attempt ta strap him into the car seat in the back seat. Then after he's mauled you, you manage ta strapped him down securely. Then you drive a couple of times around the block with this screaming, howling cat in yer back seat. Now if his howls haven't driven you insane this next step will. You stop after several runs around the block and you put three pit bulls in the back seat with the strapped cat and drive around the block again. Then ya try to drown them all out with yer radio and raise it till it won't go any more and you continue to drive. Now if you haven't gone mad by now then this next trick will help ya get there really quick. Let's say the escaped cat jumps inta the front seat with ya and decides ta stick coins' inta yer cassette player rendering yer cassette player useless! Why did he stick coins into it you ask? I really haven't a clue, could be cause he thought the dam thing was a juke box fer crying out loud! And then, lord and behold the pit bulls decide ta follow the cat inta the front seat! I'm telling you Fraser, their gonna drive me insane and I'm taking you with me!"

"Ray. . . .Ray calm down. I have just one question to ask you and maybe that will explain a lot of things."

"And what is that Fraser?"

"Why do you keep on baby-sitting your nephews and niece if they are driving you crazy?"

Ray stared into those beautiful blues that he loved so much. He leaned over and rested his head on Fraser's shoulder and shut his eyes. 

Fraser reached over and kissed his head.

"I'll tell you why I babysit them, Fraser . . . it's cause I love those runts."

Fraser smiled and wrapped an arm around his lovers' shoulder. "I know you do. . . and I love you, Ray."

Ray smiled, sighed deeply and dug his face into Fraser's chest. "I love you to Fraser. Fraser?"

"Yes Ray?"

"I miss our sex life."

"So do I Ray."

**End**

Disclaimer. The characters belong to alliance.  
Rated. . . .PG/13 or is it an R?  
Pairing. Fraser/Kowalski  
Authors' note. Just a story and no one was injured during the writing of this story. 

Okay, maybe Ray was injured a little bit.

* * Footnote at end. I apologize in an advance.  
maria  


**The runt of the litter part 3**  
  
"Fraser?. . . Fraser, why are you sitting out here on the porch at one in the morning?"  
  
"Oh, hello, Ian. I should ask you the same question."  
  
"Yeah you should but I asked you first."  
  
"Yes you did ask me first. Well, it seems that Ray locked me out of the house after he told me to leave in so many colorful words."  
  
"God! What did you do?"  
  
"Well . . . I actually don't know what I did wrong and that's why I'm out here trying to review the 

situation."  
  
Ian sat beside him. "Okay, then let's take it from the top and tell me what happened. Let's see if we can pinpoint what you did wrong."  
  
"Very well, it started when I got home from the Consulate after work and I opened our front door."  
*****************************************************  
"Hello Ray . . . Are you Ray?"  
  
"Do I look like Ray to you?"  
  
"Well actually yes you do look like Ray except for the yellow and green specks on your face and the bizarre green spiked hairstyle. Is this a fashion statement?"  
  
"Are you gonna come in or are you gonna stand there and criticize me?"  
  
"Well, I was going to come in but suddenly I'm scared to enter."  
  
"Well you should be scared because they're back!"  
  
"Whose back?"  
  
"Them! They're ba-a-a-ack!"  
  
"I'm confused Ray . . . are we talking about the poltergeist from the movie that we saw 

last night?"  
  
"Well you could call them that, Fraser. . . .Will you just get in and take off that serge 'cause we're gonna go to the park. . . . All six of us."  
  
"Oh Dear! You're saying that your brother's kids are back."  
  
"Uh, huh . . . Did ya actually think that I like wearing baby food on my face and hair? Get dressed cause we're gonna go ta the park."  
  
"Oh Dear! Do I have to go, Ray?"  
  
"Will you quit whining and quit being so pathetic?! Yer a Mountie fer Chrissakes!"  
  
"Why are the kids here? Did you ask your brother to bring them over?"  
  
"Do I look like I'm wearing a *I need a hole in my head* sign on my forehead? My brother's wife broke her ankle and Moon had ta drive her to the hospital so I got the kids. Now stop talking and go get dressed Fraser!"  
  
"Well that's too bad, Ray . . . I mean about your sister-in-law breaking her ankle. Why don't we just stay hom . . . "  
  
"No!"  
  
"Well we could . . . "  
  
"NO!"  
  
"We have to go to the park."  
  
"YES! Now get going!"  
  
"Yes Ray."  
*************************************************  
"So Ray got angry with you because you refused to go to the park right?"  
  
"No, that is not why he became upset. Let me continue the story Ian. I left to get dressed then I hear Ray squawking."  
********************************************************************  
"FRASER! FRASER get in here!"  
  
Fraser was in the process of zipping his pants and stopped what he was doing to rush to the living room. "Ray?! Ray, are you all right!?"  
  
Ray was panting angrily. "NO! Do I look all right to you? Does that baby look all right to you?"  
  
Fraser glance at the infant that was giggling and squirming around on the bed. He looked rather peculiar in a way. "Ray? What's wrong with the baby?"  
  
"What do you think is wrong with him Fraser? Take a closer look at 'im!"  
  
"Well, he is naked from the waist down and. . . .and the shirt he's wearing doesn't seem to fit him correctly. It seems a bit too tight and bunched up around the neck area."  
  
"Oh, so you noticed that to Fraser? Well if I jammed yer head into the fucking sleeve, you'd be looking a little strange too!"  
  
"RAY! Language!"  
  
"Come here you!. . . .Oh fer crying out loud Frase, the little type can't under . . . OH GOD! Did ya see what he just did?! The little runt just shot inta my mouth Fraser! Ugh!" <spit> <spit>  
  
"I think he understood what you said, Ray. And for future reference it would be wise to put a pamper on him while you are dressing him. Would you hand me a pair of scissors please?"  
  
"Why? Are you gonna cut his head off?"  
  
"Ray! I'm going to cut the shirt off!"  
  
"Oh! Good thinking Frase! That'll work too! Hold on a minute."  
************************************************************  
"So Ray got angry with you because you didn't cut the baby's head off?"

"No! Of course not Ian."  
  
"So why are you grounded?"  
  
"Patience Ian. I went back to finish getting dressed and then seconds later I heard Ray's blood curdling shrieks."  
***************************************************  
"FRAAAAAAAAASER!!!!! . . .FRAAAAAAAASER!!!!!!!!"  
  
Fraser jumped, dropped the shirt he had just fetched from the closet and hightailed it to the kitchen.  
  
"RAY?! RAY! Where are you? Are you all right?"  
  
"LOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Fraser's first response was to look around for the children. He saw two of the kids sitting on  
the floor like sweet little angels. The third one was perched on Ray's hip while his lover shrieked in a hysterical panic and the fourth one was sitting on a chair eating cookies.

"Ray? Ray, I don't see anything?!"  
  
********************************************  
"So what happened, Ben? Why was Ray screaming?"  
  
"Well I really didn't know why he was screaming at the time because all of a sudden Ray burst out into tears and he wouldn't talk. Well no, it was more like he couldn't talk."  
  
"What did the kids do? What did you do? What happened?"

"I'm getting to that part Ian. I stared at Ray who was still holding the baby and was completely

hysterical by this time."  
**************************************************  
Ray glanced up, took one look at Fraser and started bawling. The baby heard Ray crying and joined in. Once the baby started howling then the other three joined in also. 

Fraser turned to look at Diefenbaker who too had decided to support the lamenting. The Canadian stood by opened mouth totally bewildered by the whole scene. It took several seconds but the Mountie in him finally kicked in and he hurried over to take the baby from Ray's arms. He attempted to pacify the infant as he grabbed the bottle from Ray's other hand and rushed the baby to the living room.

Ray stood by bawling his eyes out over the sink as Fraser dashed out of the kitchen. 

Fraser nestled the baby between two pillows on the living room floor then dashed back for the other three who were bawling just as loud as Ray was. The Mountie grabbed the bag of Oreo's that were in the diaper bag on the table and handed each youngster a cookie as he rounded them up and hustled them out of the kitchen. 

He darted back to the kitchen where Ray still sobbed over the sink and the Mountie grabbed the bag of cookies then sprinted to the living room to leave the children with the treats. His hands were shaking as he attempted to pop in a video of Barney because Ray's wails were unnerving him. Once he made sure the children were all situated he then hurried back to the kitchen again.   


Ray was still bawling his head off as Fraser hurried over to his side.

  


"RAY! RAY what's wrong! Ray, what is going on! Ray, talk to me please! . . . . Ray!"

Fraser was in a state of panic as he begged his lover for a response. He reached up and grabbed the detective by the upper arms and searched Ray's baby blues for an answer. But the Mountie couldn't see past his partner's tears.  
  
Ray refused to be placated as he yanked himself away from the Mountie's hands and huddled over the sink bawling. "OHGOD! OHGOD!"  
  
Fraser grabbed him again and held him tenaciously. He reached under Ray's chin and cupped it firmly to look him in the eye. "Ray, look at me!. . . Ray!. . . Now please tell me what is wrong so that I can do something about it! I can't help you if you won't talk to me!" 

One of the kids popped his head into the kitchen entrance.

Fraser gave him a stern, reproving look and issued a command. "William! You will go and sit until we get this matter straightened out young man."

The little boy nodded. "Yes unca Fresh."  
  
Ray stopped bawling but he still couldn't speak. His bottom lip quivered and the tears streamed down his face like a leaky faucet that wouldn't stop. Then the hiccups started and that made it almost impossible for him to speak.   
  
Fraser was very concerned about his lover and reached over to caress the soft blond hair on the back of his head. He gazed into those misty baby blues that stared back in fear and pain. "Ray? . . .Love, will you please tell me what's wrong?"  
  
"OH FRASER!" Ray dropped his face into Fraser's bare chest and bawled again. "OH FRASER!" The detective then reached up to wrap his arms around Fraser's neck.  
  
Fraser felt his lover's arms tightening around his neck and the force was equivalent to that of a python that was set on cutting off his air supply. "Ray? Ray, you're hurting me. . . . Ray, you're choking me. . . .Was it something that I did, Ray? Love?. . .Ray, I can't breathe because you're choking . . . . .!"  
***************************************************  
"Why was he trying to kill you, Ben? What did you do to him?"  
  
"I didn't do anything Ian and would you please allow me to explain."  
  
"Well then tell me why he was crying!"  
  
"I'm getting to that part Ian. Anyway, I finally got him to release me."  
************************************************  
"OH FRASER!"  
  
Fraser managed to get his oxygen flow going again and then he caressed his lover's face and soothed his back. "You can tell me Ray . . . Tell me what happened."  
  
Ray pulled away from the caress and looked up at his partner's blues once again. His bottom lip quivered and he finally managed to squeak out a reply. "I-It's my . . . my . . . Oh Ben. . . . ." 

Then he bawled. "IT'S MY TURTLE, FRASER!!!!! One of the kid's p-put my turtle into the garbage disposal and . . . and . . . OHHHHHHHHHH!" And then the weeping started again.  


Once the kids heard their uncle Ray crying they all joined in once more. 

Dief almost joined the wailing but Fraser demanded that he behave like the fearless wolf that he was supposed to be and Dief clamped up.

*********************************************************

"Well Ian, after Ray divulged his reasons for the hysteria I decided that it would be best if they all took a nap. I even persuaded Ray to lie down and nap. While Ray was sleeping his brother Moon returned for the children and took them home."  
  
"Okay, but that still doesn't explain why you're out here Ben."  


"Well that is what I am attempting to determine Ian. Maybe the circumstances that ensued could provide the clue?"

"Okay, then tell me the rest Ben."

"Very well, a short time after Moon left, Ray woke up and once again he commenced lamenting over his turtle. I fixed him some hot coffee and heated up some Danish that he enjoys so much too soothe his distressed spirits. After an hour of holding and caressing him, I finally managed to pacify him a little. I left him alone in the room so that I could finish the dishes and the next thing I knew Ray was standing at the kitchen entrance with that wide-eyed, horrified look in his face. Soon after Ray found his voice, he started screaming obscenities and I was ousted onto the front porch."  
  
"You washed the dishes? Oh God Fraser, please tell me that you didn't use the garbage disposal!?"  
  
"Well yes, as a matter of fact I did because there was food that had to be . . . OH Dear!"  
  
"Oh Dear is right! No wonder you're in the dog house!"  
  
"Oh Dear lord, with all the commotion I forgot about. . . ."  
  
<the door opens>   
  
"Fraser? . . .Oh, hello Ian."  
  
"Hey Ray . . . oh! I better go because I think I just heard Ray calling me so I'll see you two later!"  
  
Fraser jumped off the porch step. "Oh Dear lord Ray! Ray, I am so very sorry! I don't know how I could be so heartless and so cruel to overlook . . . "  
  
"It's okay, Frase . . . Yer not ta blame."  
  
Fraser wrapped his arms around his lover. "Oh Ray, I am so very sorry for being so insensitive!"  
  
Ray fell into his lover's embrace and dug his face into the Mountie's chest. "It's okay Ben 'cause I'm okay now. Besides the bed's too cold without ya in it and I miss ya. Ya wanna come in now? I didn't mean it when I called you all those awful names. . . .I'm sorry I called ya Attila the Hun and Conan the Barbarian. . . .I was just a little upset."

"Are you sure you want me to go in, Ray? You did scream a lot and you did accuse me of being the decedent of that blood thirsty impaler, Count Vlad Tepes who is also characterized as Count Dracul."

Ray chuckled. "I did?"

Fraser smiled as he brushed his finger's through Ray's stiff spikes. "Yes you did. You said that I was as heartless and as blood thirsty as Count Vlad Tepes."

Ray laughed and shook his head. "No, I didn't say that Fraser 'cause I wouldn't even know who that Count Laid tapes is! I wouldn't even remember a name like that if it hit me in the face!"

"Count Vlad Tepes, Ray . . . Oh Dear!. . . . Am I confusing you with the doppleganger that I met earlier? The one who greeted me at the door arrayed in a spectacular speckled yellow-greenish face and some rather handsome, stiff spikes in the shade of avocado green?"

"Did ya like 'im?"

"Well actually yes. He did exude some sophisticated stylish suave fer that captivated my curiosity and he was also very sexy."

"Sexy you say? . . . .Oh really? Well I'm willing ta bet, not money of course, that I could top that guy any day of the week . . . Ya wanna come in and I'll show ya what a real impaler can do. That guy Count Valet tips may have perfected the skill of sucking blood outta necks but I've been told that I'm quite good at sucking a certain Mountie dry."

"Oh Dear! Well since you put it that way, I would love to go in now, Ray."

Ray wrapped an arm around the Mountie's waist and tugged him along. The detective stopped suddenly and looked at Fraser. "Frase . . . we really don't need the garbage disposal do 

we?"

Fraser was a little daunted about answering that particular question. He then shook his head. "Well no Ray, we really don't need one."

"Good 'cause I just ripped its guts out and threw it in the trash."

"And you referred to me as Attila the Hun?"

Ray tugged him along. "Aw come on Frase, I did say that I was sorry. . . .and now about that Count Va-Laytex guy."

"Count Vlad Tepes Ray."

"Yeah him . . . Do you think that he likes kids?"

"Oh Dear!"

****************************************************

"M-m-m-m-m-m-m!"

"Fraser, stop it! I'm gonna stop doing this if you keep sucking on my hair ! Yer distracting me from. . . .Fraser cut it out! How do ya expect me ta suck on ya if you . . . Stop it!"

"I'm sorry Ray but your hair is simply delicious. . .What did you do to it?"

"Fraser yer distracting me!"

"Oh, my apology's Ray, please do go on."

"It's uh. . . .it's Hawaiian Delight with a touch of potatoes and rice."

"Pardon me?"

"My hair! I have some Hawaiian Delight dessert with sweet potatoes and Chicken with Rice mixture in my hair after the baby threw his bowl on my head. The yellow-green stuff on my face is a mixture of squash and baby peas."

"Oh!. . . Well you taste delicious Ray."

"Thank you and so do you."

"But I don't have baby food on me."

"I know. . . .But you still taste delicious." 

"Well thank you kindly Ray."

"Fra-ser! I already told ya to quit sucking my hair! Now stop!"

"I'm sorry Ray but you smell so good."

"Oh all right! Go ahead and suck my head all ya want."

"Thank you Ray."

"OH GOD! I wasn't referring to that head!"

**The end**

**Footnote:**

* * *Remember that I said no one got hurt? Well I fibbed a little cause Ray was not the only one to get hurt and I'm really sorry about the turtle but that's the only way there could be a story.

Maria

comments

droopy_jack@excite.com 

 

  
  
  
  
  
  



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